注：此书主要部分是由女生来信和Greg, Liz答疑组成。

《他其实没那么喜欢你》
-- 作者：Greg Behrendt, Liz Tuccillo
-- 译者：温停眉 =D


11。如果他是自私，爱欺负人，或有神经质，那么他其实没那么喜欢你。

“他真的有很多优点的，真的。只要他不一天到晚叫我闭嘴就好了。”没错，这是个问题。别轻易忽略。我知道“他还有其它那么多优点”，不然你一开始也不会爱上他了。但是关键的窍门在于：别管他和他那些优点，也别管他的缺点。别管他的借口和他的承诺。只要问你自己一个问题：他令你快乐吗？人类是很复杂的。每个人都是一堆优点和缺点的综合体，所以我们才是如此的令他人迷惑，所以想看清楚一个男人简直是白费力气。他令你快乐吗？我问的不是“有时”，“偶尔”，“不那么经常”，“好处总超过坏处”。我问的是，他是否每一天都用行动来清楚地表明，你的快乐对他很重要？如果答案是否定的，甩了他，找一个更加可靠的男人吧。


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借口之一：他已经在努力变得更好
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亲爱的Greg，

我的男朋友很自私。他说他爱我，他也确实把我包括在他的生活里，我们熟悉彼此的家庭，他在很多地方都是一个很好的男人。但是我们已经同居了四年，他却从来不分担家务，不费心思设计我们的约会，不怎么在乎我的生日，从来不送我花，不肯遛狗，很少赞美我，我给他和他的朋友们准备精美的晚餐时也不说谢谢，不是那么的温柔，不愿跟我去渡假。我们经常讨论这个问题，而他也发誓说他正在改变，但是他的改变却是那么的微不足道。
我的问题是，他真的可以一边像他说的那样爱我，一边又是这样的一个自私家伙？

Paula
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

－－－－－－－－－－－－－回信－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
亲爱的自私家伙的女友，

你一定是在跟我开玩笑吧。拿起你的信，举起来，大声地朗读给你自己和一个朋友听。如果你还是想不出答案，赶紧打电话报警吧－－某人的头脑失窃了！

附：你的问题的答案是“不”。恋爱中的人一般都会对彼此温柔体贴。对自己的爱侣关怀备至，努力让他们的生活变得更好－－有些人甚至为此感到自豪。他也许觉得他自己爱你，也许他的确爱你。但是他在爱另一个人这方面实在是做得太差劲了！这跟他根本不爱你又有什么区别呢？
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－


但愿你不用在某段感情上浪费四年的时间才发觉跟你约会的那家伙是一个自私的混帐。也许这早在第一天就可以看出他的真面目了。


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借口之二：他生长的环境就是这样
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亲爱的Greg，

我交往了一年的男朋友各个方面都完美无缺。他只是不巧在一个非常病态的家庭里长大，只有一个哥哥还有一个神经质的母亲。我则是来自一个温馨爱护的大家庭。他从来都不愿跟我家人相处，如果可能的话，他宁愿待在自己家里也不来拜访我家。当我带他跟我家人共进晚餐时，他总是阴沉沉地，十分的不友好。我们谈过这事，他解释说他对家庭这个观念不是很在意。我实在很难想象跟有如此想法的人共享未来，但是同时我又觉得，难道不是我们两人之间的相处才是最重要的吗？而且我相信有一天他总会习惯我的家庭而转化的，你不这么认为么？我家人都是十分热情友好的人。

Erin
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－－－－－－－－－－－－－回信－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
亲爱的在意家庭的女孩，

原来你的男朋友除了对你家庭不感兴趣外，其他都很完美。哇！这真是一个不可忽视的“除了”。对，他也许对自己的自私有个很好的借口。（没错，他除了自私什么也不是，真的。）很多人在他们“最喜欢做的十件事”上都不会写下“跟别人的家庭相处”这一条。但是难道你不是希望有一天他会成为你的家庭中的一员吗？事实上，在过去的年代（我不清楚是多久的过去，但是你知道我在说什么），只得获得你的家庭的准许，他才有机会见到你。别为了这家伙放弃你的家庭。如果他真的喜欢你，真的想跟你共度一生的话，他就会费心想取得你家里人的欢心－－说不定还会给他们烤个小蛋糕什么的。
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他不一定要喜欢你的ＣＤ收藏。他不一定要喜欢你的鞋子。但是任何成熟的好男人都会努力去喜欢你的朋友和你的家庭－－尤其是他们都是这么热情友好的时候。


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借口之三：他以后就不这样了
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亲爱的Greg，

我现在在跟一个医学院的学生约会。他总是有太多的作业，太累，而且容易发火。我不小心吵醒他的话他就会对我大骂。最近一次他对我大吼大叫，是因为他觉得我在他为某重要的考试复习时打扰了他。关键是，我知道他现在在上医学院，所以这都只是暂时的。他一开始跟我约会的时候还没入学，所以他不是这样。他当时真的很温柔很体贴。现在有时他也会感到内疚而向我道歉，向我解释说他真的压力很大。我相信原来的那个他还是会回来的。

Denise

附：还有，我是一直都想嫁个医生的！
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－－－－－－－－－－－－－回信－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
亲爱的Old Yeller，

那怕他在学习成为下一个救世主我也不管。除了“小心车辆！”，任何大吼大叫的理由都不成立。而且这不是暂时的。叫骂的人是需要帮助学会控制愤怒情绪的人。叫骂的人是自以为是任性的人。嗨，美女，你想跟那对夫妻一样吗？你知道，那对男的经常对妻子发怒的夫妻？再想想，你愿意他当那样的父亲吗？我也觉得你会不愿意的。别再等海德魔鬼变回基克尔博士了。找一个真正懂得关心人的男人吧。
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＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
借口之四：私下的行为比人前的表现要重要
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亲爱的Greg，

我爱我的男朋友。我们同居了，而且他对我很好。他带我去昂贵的地方渡假，而且给我买精美的，经过深思熟虑的礼物。我和他在一起的时候感到很安全。我的朋友们不是那么的喜欢他，因为我们外出的时候他喜欢取笑我。他取笑我没有考进长青藤大学，而且我用错语法或是说错话的时候他会当面指出。他在人前喜欢跟我执不同意见，而且对我不通时事大作文章。我不在乎，我想这只是因为我没安全感而已。我们单独在一起的时候他不是这样的，我发誓。所以我为什么要在意呢？难道不是他私下如何对我才是最重要的吗？

Nina
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－－－－－－－－－－－－－回信－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
亲爱的爱给找麻烦的女孩，

如果你喜欢坏男人的话，他听上去真是完美极了。你为什么要跟一个为了自我的优越感就贬低他人的人在一起呢？尤其是在你的朋友面前！是哪所长青藤教的“当众贬低”？因为这就是他的专业，如果他还以为在你朋友面前侮辱不是白痴行为的话。而且你为什么在意他私下对你好那么一点点？看起来他都等不及带你出去好在众人面前侮辱你。甩了那个自作聪明的家伙。再去拿一个“可以带到我朋友面前的男人”的学位吧。
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借口之五：可他只是想帮我而已
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亲爱的Greg，

我的男朋友十分理解我现在的境遇。我的体重一直是个问题，我也一生都在为此奋战。他是一个很爱运动的人，而且对饮食也很注意。他教我该吃什么，不该吃什么。如果我想偷吃的话，他就说吃的全都会长到我的肥臀上。我体重增加的话他会向我指出，但是我身材有进步时他也会告诉我。我觉得他这样理解我的问题真的很好。我朋友觉得他对我太刻薄，我不同意。你觉得呢，Greg？

Nadia
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亲爱的关心体重的女孩，

这个男的听起来可不像你的私人教练。他听起来像你的私人恶霸。如果你忘了的话，他的实际职称应该是你的私人男友。但是他是很有技巧性地欺负你。他知道你对自己缺乏信心并加以利用。恶霸都会把比他们弱小的人当成猎物一样，天天举重的恶霸也是如此。现在是你运用你屈膝肌和股四头肌的时候了－－赶紧从他身边跑开，永远别再回来。
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我现在要对以上三条做个综述。虐待行为不仅仅是殴打而已，除此之外还有很多行为属于虐待性质。这其中包括了辱骂，公共场合下侮辱，或是令他人感觉自身肥胖和丑陋。当有人竭力使你感到自身毫无价值时，要觉得自己值得被爱是一件很困难的事。仅仅告诉你逃离这些男人恐怕是不够的。首先要明白，你比这些下三滥的感情要优秀得多。重复一遍：你的的确确要比这些下三滥的感情要优秀得多。



＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
借口之六：但是抢手的男人都是这样
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亲爱的Greg，

我跟一个男的约了三次会，他是个抢手的男人。他是一个记者，有着难以置信的精彩生活－－他旅游，探险，经常记录下有十分生动的观察。他还很有幽默感。他经常赞美我，似乎很喜欢我，并且一直约我。他总是说跟我在一起很愉快。但是实际上，载我们的那三次约会上，他竟没有问我任何关于我自己的问题。他很显然对我有意思，要不他为什么一直约我，并告诉我我多么漂亮呢？也许优秀的男人都是这样吧。他是真的很优秀呢，Greg！

Ronda
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亲爱的专心的观众，

可以跟如此精彩的男人在一起，你真是幸运啊。你甚至可以欣赏到他在你面前的言语意淫。真是性感。很显然，你很欣赏他－－他也是。我真的不愿意告诉你，但是事实是，他其实没那么喜欢你。他喜欢的是你聆听的样子。我刚认识我妻子的时候，我只想问她问题。不然我该如何了解她呢？的确，我也喜欢告诉她我的故事－－我想让她对我的光荣成就感到敬佩－－但是那是同等的交换，因为我认为她是抢手的那个。当两个人之间有感情时，他们渴望更加了解对方，想知道他们不在一起时的经历，窥视对方的过去和心灵，希望可以跟对方融为一体。这个男人听起来实在像个自大狂。最起码他也该问问你穿的是什么样式的内衣。
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

记住，你才是那个抢手货。男人想捕获你。他们不是令人唾涎欲滴的山珍海味。你才是。呃，你知道我的意思。


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借口之七：他只是迷失了自我
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亲爱的Greg，

我男友已经两年没工作了。他很温柔也很好，只是对自己的人生不知如何是好。他偶尔会去当ＤＪ，但是
基本上是我在经济上支持他。（我有工作，并且家里有点钱。）我知道他是真的喜欢我－－他只是需要知
道他自己要的是什么，对吗？还是他有忧郁症？

Julie
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亲爱的经济来源，

我搞不明白了。你是把钱给他留在台子上呢，还是给他做的家务支付报酬？听着，钱袋。他或许真的很重视你，但是他看起来不怎么重视他自己，否则也就不会让你养他养了两年。所以花你的钱这种行为跟一个不喜欢你的人没什么两样。一个真正重视你和他自己的男人会尽快让自己脱离困境。也就是说，首先也是最重要的，找份工作。而且小心了：这些男人一旦脱离困境，通常会自我感觉良好到认为自己该另觅新欢的地步。（毕竟没什么好女孩能忍受他对你这样的所作所为长达两年之久。）所以我建议还是让他找到自我吧－－但不是在你的钱包里找。然后再看看这为ＤＪ先生会不会再转回你的身旁。
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很多人都曾潦倒过。但是就像说的那样，人穷志不穷，有志气的人不会找你借五百块钱来付他们的酒账。你唯一该担心的事就是该如何再找一个不靠你和你家的钱过活的男人。


＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
借口之八：也许只是他的小怪癖
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亲爱的Greg，

我认识了一个非常温柔且善解人意的男人。问题是，他似乎不是很愿意跟我亲热。他跟我说他只是不喜欢被触摸。我们做爱了，感觉很好，但是他也不是那么喜欢爱抚我。他其他的任何方面都很好，抱怨他这点实在有点奇怪。你觉得不愿意拥抱抚摸是他不喜欢我的迹象吗？还是他对这方面真的不适应？我不想为了这点就甩他，但是我真的很喜欢被爱抚！

Frida
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－回信－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
亲爱的爱抚饥渴者，

我得说，一个不享受世界上最美好的感觉之一的人实在有点可疑。他还有其他什么不喜欢的东西是你所不知道的？小狗？婴儿？拥有一个灵魂？如果你真的那么喜欢爱抚的话，为什么要委屈自己跟一个“别碰我”先生在一起呢？是，有些男人在身体亲热方面或许有些保留，但是不享受这个？实在难以想象。他或许真的很喜欢你，但是实在是太不适合你了。我说，不如忘了他，再找一个跟你有共同兴趣，一生乐于与你调情打闹的男人吧。
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

你可能会遇见一些不喜欢爱抚，接吻，甚至做爱的男人。你可以花尽精力试图纠正他们，或不断怀疑是自身的魅力问题。你也可以认识到，或许他们根本就不喜欢那些你视为人生不可缺乏的乐事，然后再找一个喜欢这些的男人。


＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
借口之九（稀有型）：他害怕同床共枕的亲密
＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－来信－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
亲爱的Greg，

我跟一个男人约会已经一年了，他却无法在同一张床上跟我睡觉。我们之间的性总是很棒，可他事后非得到沙发上去睡觉。他告诉我他就“没法”做到同床共枕。我们的关系除此之外都很顺利。我估计他可能是有些不适应，我只要耐心点就好。这是他不喜欢我的表现吗？还是我得看得开些？

Gloria
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－回信－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
亲爱的喜欢怪物的女孩，

我想打赌说你们的关系除此之外并不是那么顺利。他跟你在一起一年了，还不肯与你同床共枕？你该把这个怪物从你的怪物情怀沙发上踢下去，让他好好看清你的怪物情怀靴底。你居然还在意这个怪物如何看你？这个世界一定是疯了！让这出怪物闹剧结束吧。求你了。
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

如果你约会的话，你恐怕会碰见一些怪物和疯子。这跟死亡和税务一样牢不可变。你唯一能控制的就是让这些怪物占用你的生命中的多少时间。假如你还不知道的话，这该是十分钟左右－－从他们的不可饶恕的怪癖（或他们的蜥蜴尾巴）初露端倪时开始。十分钟足够让你穿好衣服并把他们的电话从你手机里删除了。


就是这么简单！
特立独行跟疯子是有区别的。“特立独行”的人有时会穿天鹅绒的夹克。“疯子”是只有穿着它才能跟你做爱。玩笑跟虐待也是有区别的。玩笑是“Bjork（某歌星）打电话来想要回她的裙子”，虐待是“天啊，你真的长胖了！”但是最大的区别在于你。你应得的待遇比你从这些男人身上得到的要好得多。

Liz：为什么这一条难以接受
我在前面的“为什么这一条难以接受”已经提示过，但是我现在要直接了当地说出来：这世上实在没那么多好男人。统计学证明这一点，报导书籍验证这一点，女人也乐意为此赌咒发誓。还有，这世上的好女人比好男人要多，我敢说你曾经说过或是听过这句话。哦，等等，还有一条：很多男人想找更加年轻的女人，所以你年纪越大，想跟你约会的男人也越来越少。还是让Greg带着袖珍计算器过来算给我们看，告诉我们在如此数据的基础上，我们还有希望都能找到我们爱的并且也爱我们的好男人吧，可以拥有浪漫激情，并把我们服伺得跟女皇一样。

没错，这是不可能的事。因此也许对那些优秀，聪明，健康，幽默，善良的女性来说，降低标准是再有逻辑，理智，精明不过的事了。我不知道你怎么看，但是我恨单身。我恨独自参加宴会。我恨独自入睡。我恨独自醒来。我恨明白每一件无聊的琐事，我都得独自完成。我恨没有性爱。我恨只为自己一个人做饭，购物。我恨参加婚礼。我恨别人问我为什么至今仍是单身。我恨别人不问我为什么至今仍是单身。我恨自己的生日，因为我仍是单身。我恨因为自己是单身而打过成为单身妈妈的念头。你明白我说的了吗？

当然，我不赞同跟虐待自己的人约会。但是虐待的程度可以是十分微妙的。“坏男人”的面目繁多。而我们现在谈的这些男人呢？他们不仅仅是混账而已。有时他们也可以表现得十分好。很多时候，我都会想，跟一个不受我朋友欢迎的，但是肯和我一起把买的菜带回家的男人在一起，起码比单身一人要好。我承认，这一条对我来说也是难以接受，以至我想该让Greg接手回答了。这太难了，我很务实的，所以看到统计的结果后，我不知该说什么是好。我知道我们该爱自己，相信我们应当获得幸福，应该乐观。但我同时也认为单身一人太糟了。Greg，你是在告诉我们，我们该继续单身，挑剔，不迁就也不定下来，直到我们真正遇见那个真命天子吗？你来回答吧，我真的不知道。

Greg回答：
我们终于谈到问题的要害了，不是吗？这样的痛苦，孤独可不是轻松的话题。我明白这比“他其实没那么喜欢你”要深刻得多。许多晚上，我面对着泪眼朦胧的女性朋友（和我妹妹），试图让她们相信她们真的比那些毁了她们幸福的男人要好得多。所以我会尽力回答这个问题的。

孤独，单身一人，对很多人来说都是难以忍受的。我明白，我明白，我明白。但是我还是要说，没错，我真诚地相信，相比之下，跟一个让你难过，不尊重你的人在一起要更加恶劣。

数据统计的结果是晦暗的。但是别用数据来让自己沮丧或是吓倒自己。除了吓倒你和你的女性好友外，这些数据什么用都没有。所以我要说，“让数据见鬼去。”这是你的生活，你怎么敢对此失去信心！唯一帮助过我，Greg Behrendt，让我成功地生活的故事就是信心的故事，我坚信船到桥头自然直。我更加热切地相信，你除了相信这一点外，别无选择。我现在写这本书，女人会来读这本书，正是因为我们都已厌倦了生活在担惊受怕之中。你希望相信，你比你从这些男人中得到的垃圾待遇要好。事实也正是如此。你是一位优秀，性感，值得被爱的人类。而唯一追求这个念头的办法就是善待你自己。起码，这包括了把那些配不上你的家伙从你的世界里剔除，再给自己日常生活定一个优秀标准。

还是从这一项数据开始吧：你是美妙的。亲爱的，勇敢起来。我知道你会感到孤独。我知道你会渴望伴侣，性，和爱，渴望到心痛的地步。但是我坚信，在这世上找到更好的男人，唯一的办法就是相信世上有更好的男人。我会替你相信的，直到你自己准备相信的那一天。



Greg：应该是什么样子的：
我的朋友Amy有小丑恐惧症，因此她的丈夫Russell确保她永不看见或是接近任何小丑。这看上去算不了什么，直到你自己试着去躲避世上所有的小丑看看。你会为这世上小丑的数量之多而感到惊讶。但是Russell坚持如此，因为结婚十年之后，他仍然想保护他的妻子不受惊吓。



Greg，我明白了！－－Georgia，33岁
我跟一个不喜欢我朋友们的男人约会过。他碰到我朋友们时，极少微笑，或是注视她们的眼睛。如果他跟她们交谈的话，他从不问她们任何关于她们自己的问题。有时她们跟他说话时，他甚至会在语句中途转身离开。他不肯说是他不喜欢她们，但他的确是这样。ＯＫ，我承认，我没有为此跟他分手。是他最后甩的我。但是现在回头看看，我很庆幸我没跟那样的男人在一起。我希望可以跟一个迷人并喜欢我朋友们的人在一起。我希望有一天可以跟一个男人约会－－一个能让我朋友见了他，次日还要打电话告诉我，“天啊，他真的很优秀！”的男人。


如果你不相信Greg的话：
我有一个男性朋友因为害怕才不肯跟他的未婚妻分手（没错，我们男人很“有品”）。当我告诉他该向他未婚妻坦白时，他一直都说，“Greg，我在等我们之间冲突爆发。我只是在等我们之间冲突爆发而已。”在此同时，他不断与他的未婚妻吵架，故意找碴，惹事生非，为的就是有一个“冲突爆发”好让他就此脱身。不怎么好听的故事，但是我希望这可以给你一个警示。
我们调查的男性，１００％说他们从不虐待或侮辱他们真正喜欢的女人。或许这是个好的开端。

Chap 7


He is just not that into you if he doesnt want to marry

Just remember this.Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesnt want to get married or doesnt believe in mariage, or has " issue" with marriage, will, rest assured, someday be married. It just will never be with you.Because he is not really saying he doesnt want to get married. He is saying he doesnt want to ger married to you.There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married.You shouldnt feel ashamed, needy, or "unliberated" for wanting that. So make sure from the start that you pick a guy who shares your views for the future, and if not, move on as quickly as you can. Big plans require big action.

[转帖]<他其实没那么喜欢你> 书摘
　　
　　
　　 Arthur: Greg Behrendt
　　 《欲望城市》首席顾问
　　
　　 男人喜欢你的话，他会让你知道。他会打电话，会出现在你面前，会想见你的朋友，他的一只眼两只手会粘着你不放，等到上床的时机成熟，他不用人提醒，就会急着脱衣服。就算他是在洞四洞洞（就是凌晨四点！）接任美国总统，他都会冲到你面前。
　　
　　 男人其实一点也不复杂，只不过我们喜欢让你们这么想罢了。悲哀的是（也是最尴尬的是），我们宁愿一只手臂伸出公车车窗外而折断也不愿开门见山地告诉你说：“你不是我的真命天女。”
　　
　　 1 要是他不约你出去，他其实没那么喜欢你。
　　 2 要是他没打电话，他其实没那么喜欢你。
　　跟真正喜欢你的男人在一起，你绝对不会看见自己发狂似的盯着电话，一心盼着电话铃响，你不会看见自己每隔五秒钟就打电话检查语音信箱。
　　 3 要是他不跟你约会，他其实没那么喜欢你。
　　 从这页开始，立下重誓，凡是有关你未来的浪漫史，就不容有暧昧空间。不容有灰色地带。不容有无法辩识的关系。不容有说不出口的事情。
　　 4 要是他不跟你亲热，他其实没那么喜欢你。
　　 就连辛蒂 克劳馥都会遇上那种“那玩意有什么了不起”的家伙。可是对你不感性趣的男人是打死也不会告诉你这一点的。唉，他们当然会说……他们慌了，累了，病了，心碎了，受伤了，慌了（又一次），要是他哈死了你，要他管好自己的咸猪手都会要了他的老命。唉，说穿了不过就是这么一回事，男人要是没有绞尽脑汁想剥光你的衣服，就是没那么喜欢你。
　　
　　 5 要是他劈腿，他其实没那么喜欢你。
　　
　　 可别觉得是你哪里不对，别去背那个十字架。劈腿的人从头到尾都很清楚可能会毁掉一段恋情。要是他瞒着你跟别人上床，那他不只是没那么喜欢你，只怕根本就不在乎你。
　　
　　 6 要是他只在醉时才想见你，他其实没那么喜欢你。
　　 他要是喜欢你，会想在判断力正常的时候想见你。
　　 希望你不要把打开僵局的交际手腕误认成真正的亲密关系。
　　 7 要是他不想结婚，他其实没那么喜欢你。
　　
　　 爱情能治好承诺恐惧症。切记，凡是跟你约会过的男人，只要说不想结婚，不相信婚姻这一档子事，或是跟婚姻“犯冲”的，早晚铁定会结婚，只不过新娘子不是你。
　　 8 要是他要求分手，他其实没那么喜欢你。
　　 从前说分手的男友又找上门来，要求重新开始，这种事既刺激又教人难以抗拒，可是你一定得想办法抗拒。
　　 有个男的说不想跟你在一起，有时这个男的明白他犯下了此生最大的错误，有时候他不明白。不管怎样，你都要继续过日子，而且动作还得快。
　　 9 要是他演出失踪记，他其实没那么喜欢你。
　　 有时候，你得靠自己关门。他走了，天大的好消息，万岁！
　　 10 要是他是有妇之夫，。。。。。。
　　 还有任何其他不伦之恋。你会碰上在疗伤止痛的男人，你会徘徊。至少在我看来，不能无拘无束的爱，就不是真正的爱。
　　

发信人: sunnyy (大家新年快乐啊), 信区: Love
标 题: He Is Just Not That Into You 精粹摘要
发信站: BBS 未名空间站 (Sun Apr 8 03:08:11 2007)

今天偷懒花了六七个小时看完了best-seller “He is just not that into you.” 一
拿起来就放不下手了。因为在书店买的，太贵，打算过两天退了。把喜欢的部分做了些
笔记。顺便跟大家分享一下。有些长，也懒得分清topic，将就着看看，这是非常有意
思的书，也受益良多。里面有着很多女生给男生找的借口，其实说到底都是因为这个男
生is not that into you. 能认识到这个需要勇气，但认识到这个将给我们省了很多烦
恼，不用浪费时间在对你不上心的男生身上。正如作者说的，每个女生都有真正爱你的
一位在等着你，不要放低你的标准。不要放弃你的信念。Don’t waste your beauty
在那些不是真正对你有意的男生身上。这本书真的很有意思也很幽默，角度新颖，让我
豁然开朗，强烈推荐。

[Introduction]

We had excuses for all these men, from broken dialing fingers to difficult
childhoods. In the end, one by one, they were shot down by Greg’s powerful
silver bullet.

All these years I’d been complaining about men and their mixed messages;
now I saw they weren’t mixed messages at all. I was the one that was mixed
up. Because the fact was, these men had simply not been that into me.

Sadly, we (men) would rather lose an arm out of a city bus window than tell
you simply, “you’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or
yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us.

He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making
excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

A man would rather be trampled by elephants that are on fire than tell you
that he’s just not that into you.

Guys don’t mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex, whether it
be a “fu*k buddy” situation or a meaningful romance.

Beware of the word “friend.” It can often be used by men or the women that
love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior. Personally, when I am
picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.

Love cures commitment-phobia.

[2]*If he is scared or serious relationship, don't want to have sex with you
, or don't want to get married with you, he is just not that into you.*


Guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. “
I don’t want to be in a serious relationship” truly means “I don’t want
to be in a serious relationship with you” or “I am not sure that you’re
the one.” (Sorry.)

If you don’t know where the relationship is going, it’s okay to pull over
and ask.

There’s a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he’s your
boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

If a guy is happy lying around in bed with you eating cookies and watching
old movies, and he’s not gay, then he’s just not that into you.

Cheating is bad. Not knowing why you cheated is even worse. If one red flag
isn’t enough for you, how about two? Don’t date with any man who doesn’t
know why he does things.

Just remember this. Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn’t
want to get married or doesn’t believe in marriage, or has “issues” with
marriage, will, rest assured, someday be married. It just will never be with
you. Because he’s not really saying he doesn’t want to get married. He’s
saying he doesn’t want to get married to you. There is nothing wrong with
wanting to get married. You shouldn’t feel ashamed, needy, or “unliberated
” for wanting that. So make sure fro the start that you pick a guy who
shares your views for the future, and if not, move on as quickly as you can.
Big plans require big action.

[3] * A guy who breaks up with you is not that into you.*

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves. If he’s not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants
you back, it should only be because he’s showing up at your new residence
to do it in person. If he’s not trying to romance your socks off with dates
, flowers, and poetry, it should only be because he’s too engrossed with
his couples counseling workbooks and is prioritizing getting back on the
right track. If he’s not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss
you, but ultimately he’s just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and
let him really know what it’s like to live without you.

Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You’re deeply
missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you.
Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every
day, not to be with you.

Here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: They don’t
break up with you.

It’s very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for
much, much less—even a vague, pathetic facsimile of less—than you would
have ever imagined. Ladies, please, keep your eye on the prize. Remember
always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less. If you
can’t do it for you, do it for everyone else: These guys are able to exist
because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.

Breaking up means not seeing them again, which also implies not seeing them
naked again.

Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult
decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with
is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face,
took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no
longer in need of your company. If aliens haven’t recently abducted your
beloved and switched his brain for the brain of a guy who’s really into you
, please consider the option that the bum maybe just got a little lonely.

Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else,
sometimes they get sober (he was drinking excessively), and sometimes he was
just a jerk who you’re lucky to be rid of. It doesn’t matter, because you
cannot change his mind.

Don’t confuse being classy with being a doormat. Classy is walking away
with your head held high, graciously, and with dignity. Being a doormat is
offering to drive him to the dentist for his root canal.

Always be classy. Never be crazy. If for not other reason, it will ensure
that you never have that awful memory of cutting his clothes in half or
dumping his dog on the side of the road.

A guy says he doesn’t want to be with you. Sometimes that guy realizes he’
s made the biggest mistake of his life. And then sometimes he doesn’t.
Either way, EITHER WAY, you only job is to move on with your life, and fast.
He can always try to chase you down as you’re running down the block. If
he does, just remember that it will sound like this: “Let’s get back
together.” “Let’s go into counseling.” “Let’s try again.” “I miss
you. I made a mistake. I want to be with you.” Here’s what it won’t sound
like: “Will you walk my dog?” “Just calling to check in.” “Want to see
that movie?” “Will you go to Cousin George’s wedding with me?”

You can’t talk your way out of a breakup. It is not up for discussion. A
breakup is a definitive action, not a democratic one.

Cut him off. Let him miss you.

He doesn’t need to be reminded that you’re great.

There’s a guy out there who’s going to be really happy that you didn’t
get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

[4] He is just not that into you if he disappears on you, being abusive to
you. And dump those weirdos and jerks.


There’s nothing worse than having no answer, in business, friendships, and
especially romantic relationships. But the bad news is, no answer is your
answer. He may not have written you a good-bye note, but his silence is a
deafening “see you later.” The only reason to ever write him again is to
give him the chance to say it louder, with words. And don’t you remember?
You’re far too busy and popular for that.

Sometimes a person’s behavior is so abhorrent that it leaves little doubt
as to what to do. The big mistake you made was choosing that person to begin
with. The quickest way to rectify that mistake is by learning from that,
moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future. And quick, before
any more of your precious time is wasted.

No answer is your answer.

Don’t give him the chance to reject you again.

Let his mother yell at him. You’re too busy.

People are complicated. They are a mixed bag of lovable and dysfunctional
qualities. That’s why they are so darn confusing. That’s why trying to
figure them out is a waste of time. Is he making you happy? I don’t mean
some of the time, on rare occasions, not that often, “but the good still
outweighs the bad.” Does he make it clear in his actions every day that
your happiness is important to him? If the answer is no, cut him loose and
go find a man with a higher “good count.”

There’s lots of behavior that can be considered abusive that doesn’t
include beaten about the head and neck. That includes getting yelled at,
being publicly humiliated, or being made to feel fat and unattractive. It’s
hard to feel worthy of love when someone is going out of their way to make
you feel worthless. Being told to get out of these relationships may not
work for you. Knowing that you’re better than these relationships is the
place to start. You ARE better than these relationships.

If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure
as death and taxes. The only thing in your control is how long you allow
these gentlemen to take up space in your life. In case you’re not sure, it
should be about ten minutes from when they first display their completely
unacceptable behavior (or lizardlike tail). Ten minutes still gives you time
to put on al your clothes and make sure you have deleted your number from
his cell phone.

[5] Don't let statistics scare you. Have faith in YOUR life!


Being lonely, being alone, for many people, sucks. I get it, I get it, I get
it. But still I have to say that, yes, my true belief is that being with
somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn’t honor the person you are, is
worse.

The statistics are bleak. But don’t use statistics to keep you down or keep
you frightened. You can’t do anything with these statistics except scare
yourself and your girlfriends. So I say, “Fuck statistics.” It’s your
life—how dare you not have faith in it! The only story that has ever helped
me, Greg Behrendt, live my life successfully is the story of faith; I
believe that life will turn out well. More fervently, I believe that you
have no other choice than to believe that. I am writing this book, and women
will be reading it, because we are all tired of operating from a place of
fear. You wan to believe that you are better than all the crap you’ve been
taking from all these men all these years. Well you are. You are an
excellent, foxy human being worthy of love, and the only way you can pursue
that idea is by honoring yourself. At the very least this means ridding your
world of dudes who are not worthy and setting a standard of excellence in
your daily life.

Let’s start with this statistic: you are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I
know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love
so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way
you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first
BELIEVE there’s something better out there. I’ll believe it for you until
you’re ready.

100% if the guys polled said they have never tried to torture or humiliate a
girl they were really into. Well, that’s a start.

You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time. (You have to
be nice to them, too.)

There’s never a reason to shout at someone unless they are in imminent
danger.

Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment.

Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve.

Have faith. What other choice is there?

Only you can know if the relationship you’re in isn’t good enough for you.
A good indication that it’s not is if you’re only staying with What’s
His Name because you’re scared.

By staying with the guy who’s not that into you, you are ensuring that you
’re never going to find one that is.

Shitty relationships make you feel shitty, and that’s not what you were put
on this earth for.

- If you’re spending a lot of time making excuses for your man or thinking about your man, or obsessing, it’s very likely that he’s just not that into you.

- You seem to think at times that we're "too shy" or we "just got out of something." Let me remind you: Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a difficult day of running the world.) If we want you, we will find you. If you don't think you gave him enough time tqieo notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half.


- Two weeks is two weeks, except when it's ten years and two weeks. That's how long ago he decided whether or not he could date a model or a girl who looks like one. Can you be a pal and give him a nudge? Nudge away, friendster — but watch how fast that nudge doesn't get a return phone call. And if your dinner/date did feel different to him, it's been two weeks and he's had time to think about it and decide he's just not that into you. Here's the truth: Guys don't mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex, whether it be a "sex buddy" situation or a meaningful romance. Go find someone that lives in your zip code who will be rocked to the core by your deep conversation and model looks.

I hate to tell you, but that whole "I don't want to ruin the friendship" excuse is a racket. It works so well because it seems so wise. Sex could mess up a friendship. Unfortunately, in the entire history of mankind, that excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it. If we're really excited about someone, we can't stop ourselves — we want more. If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further. And please, don't tell me he's just "scared." The only thing he's scared of — and I say this with a lot of love — is how not attracted to you he is.

- All these years, women have been willing to settle for so little and men have been able to get sloppy in their behavior,” divulges Liz. “Hopefully men will become more self-conscious about their actions. If not, at least women can stop hanging onto bad boyfriends, making excuses for relationships that just aren’t there.”

- Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.

-“He’s Just Not That Into You” has inspired countless women to take action. According to Liz, “women who read the book have been known to grab their cell phone and delete half the numbers in there! Others have found the strength to end a long term relationship or finally move on after a difficult breakup.”

Share with every female!

He is just not that into you.
我昨天看了一辑欧普拉的聊天节目。请来了一个作家，作家新出版的书叫做：他只是不够喜欢你。在座的听众都是些熟女。欧普拉的开场白是讲自己的故事，说她曾经约会过一个人，她非常喜欢这个男人，但是没有多久之后，这个人对她说：我非常喜欢你，但是我觉得你不够特别。于是和她分手。下面的女生全体哗然。因为这个世界上比欧普拉还特别的女人还真的不多，也许麦当娜算是一个。
作家总结说：其实分手的原因只有一个：他不够喜欢你。
节目中还播放了一段采访。也是一个可以算是什么都有的女人。要样子有样子，要事业有事业。她非常的迷惑，因为一个月前她开始和一个篮球运动员约会。当然女生都很喜欢运动员。之后：这个男人也有发短信，也有发电邮，说觉得她多好多好，美丽，独立，幽默，有趣云云。却一次都没有打电话约会她。她说她很能理解篮球运动员要训练，要比赛，可能并没有空。但是他为什么宁愿花时间传短信，写电邮，都不愿意拨电话呢？如果这个男人不喜欢她的话，为什么不停的说她美，说她好，说喜欢她云云。
作家开始解释，非常精辟：他说，我们男人都有几件衬衣，我们非常喜欢，喜欢颜色，喜欢剪裁，喜欢布料，但是我们就是不穿。
这个女生突然有些难过，忍了忍眼泪说：那我就只是一件衬衣吗？
欧普拉说，听作家讲完。
作家接着说：有人问道，嘿，既然不穿，为什么不扔掉，我们会说，这件衬衣多好，我喜欢这个颜色，我喜欢这个。。。。我喜欢把它挂在衣柜里，但我不会去穿。
为什么呢？
因为我不够喜欢它。
作家的情绪没有太多起伏，只是陈述事实。
我觉得作家讲得很对。这个答案可能是很多事情的解释。
有时候我们说自己忙，说自己懒，说自己犹豫，说自己忘了。
其实真正的原因就只有一个：我不够在意。
所以我想说的是：如果我可以不够在意，我们也必须允许别人不够在意。
所以接受事实。
当他不打电话给你，那是他不够喜欢你。
老板做事情不相信你，那是他不够重视你。
我们能做的事情就是理智而客观的接受这个事实。
也许喜不喜欢不能强求。就像你也会不够喜欢别人一样。
也许重不重视也是因人而异。但是起码不要责怪自己。
他不够喜欢你不是你的错。

He's just not that into you

Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.

you're wasting your time. Men are not complicated, although they'd like you to think they are. And there are no mixed messages.

The truth may be He's just not that into you.

Unfortunately guys are too terrified to ever directly tell a woman, "You're not the one." But their actions absolutely show how they feel.

Reexamining familiar scenarios and classic mindsets that keep us in unsatisfying relationships, Behrendt and Tuccillo's wise and wry understanding of the sexes spares women hours of waiting by the phone, obsessing over the details with sympathetic girlfriends, and hoping his mixed messages really mean "I'm in love with you and want to be with you."

He's Just Not That Into You is provocative, hilarious, and, above all, intoxicatingly liberating. It deserves a place on every woman's night table. It knows you're a beautiful, smart, funny woman who deserves better. The next time you feel the need to start "figuring him out," consider the glorious thought that maybe He's just not that into you. And then set yourself loose to go find the one who is.

Excuses that women have made for their unsatisfying situations.

I'm getting sleepy, it's hot, I'm going down for a nap. When I wake up from that nap I'll probably thrill to the news that your friend is taking control of his life.

But at this point it seems like he's just not that into you.

1. Companionship is wonderful, but companionship with sex is even better. Call a spade a spade or, more fittingly, a friend a friend, and go find yourself a friend that can't keep his hands off you.

2.If you are tempted to spend countless nights just cuddling with someone, buy a puppy.

3. "Doesn't want to get married" and "Doesn't want to get married to me" are very different things. Be sure about which catefgory he falls under.

4 Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.

5. There's never a reason to shout at someone unless they are in imminent danger.

6. You already have one asshole. You don't need another.

7. Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.

8. Have faith. What other choice is there?

9. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment.

第一章 ---- " He's just not that into your if he's not asking you out,

because if he likesyou, trust me, he will ask you out "



Quote 1: If you don't think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half.



Quote 2: "give me a call." "Email me." "Tell Joey we should all hang out sometime." Don't let him trick you into asking him out. When men wants you, they do the work.I know it sounds old school, but when men like women, they ask them out.



Quote 3:We know women are capable of running governments, heading MNCs, and raising loving children -- sometimes all at the same time. That, however, doesn't make men different.



Excuse 1: the "maybe he doesn't want to ruin the friendship" excuse



Excuse 2: the "maybe he's intimidated by me" excuse



Excuse 3: the "maybe he wants to take it slow" excuse



Excuse 4: the "but he gave me his number" excuse



Excuse 5:the "maybe he forgot to remember me" excuse



Excuse 6: the "maybe I don't want to play games" excuse



第二章 ---- " He's just not that into you if he's not calling you,

Men know how to use the phone. "



Quote 1:With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to.



Quote 2: Baring disaster - someone had to be rushed to the hospital, he was just fired from his job, -- he should never forget to call you. If I like you, I don't forget you, ever. Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you



Quote 3:So if a guy you're dating doesn't call when he says he's going to, why should that be such a big deal Because you should be dating a man who's at least as good as his word.



Quote 4: The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction.



Excuse 1:the "but he's been traveling a lot" excuse



Excuse 2: the "but he's got a lot on his mind" excuse



Excuse 3: the "he just says things he doesn't mean" excuse



Excuse 4:the "maybe we're just different" excuse



Excuse 5: the "but he's very important" excuse



第三章 ---- " He's just not that into you if he's not dating you,

"Hanging out" is not dating. "



Quote 1:Beware of the word "friend." It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior.



Excuse 1:the "he just got out of a relationship" excuse



Excuse 2: the "but we really are dating" excuse



Excuse 3: the "it's better than nothing" excuse



Excuse 4:the "but he's out of town a lot" excuse



第四章 ---- " He's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you,

When men like you, they want to touch you, always. "



Quote 1:Even Cindy Crawford has dudes that go, "I don't know what the big deal is all about".



Quote 2:A month This should be the time when he's getting comfortable enough to bring up the subject of outfits, positions, lotions, and anal.



Quote 3:Pets are God's way of saying: Don't lower the bar because you're lonely.



Quote 4: The old-fashioned idea is that women withhold sex when they want power. It seems like men can play that game too.



Quote 5: The Egyptians painted pots about it, the yogis write books about it, the Jews made religious laws about it. They all believe that one of the strongest ingredients to a healthy union is SEX.



Excuse 1:the "he's afraid to get hurt again" excuse



Excuse 2: the "he's so into me that now he's not" excuse



Excuse 3: the "but it still feels so good" excuse



Excuse 4:the "multiple excuses" excuse