今日翻看 我先生 从前写的 一则 blog。

Some people have trouble understanding or accepting some of the concepts in our blog. Sarah and I have a wonderful relationship based on respect and acceptance of who we are. Acceptance is not the same as understanding. I do not fully understand what motivates Sarah to be so completely submissive to me. I doubt she fully understands my need to dominate her. But understanding is not required. Respect is required. Communication is required. Acceptance is required. Love is the core.

I love her dearly. I respect her. I take the time to learn what she need and what she wants. I learn which of those is good for her and which it not. I spend time with her and bring to her all of the good things that I am capable of. One day that may be sitting with her in sun light and talking about of family and friends. The next day is giving her a difficult task for her to complete so she knows she serves me well. Another day is to tie her up on the bed so she can quiet her mind and feel loved. I am learning the range of her needs and doing my best to fulfill them. She does the same for me. But in her own way and serving my own needs.

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Once you understand the basis of our relationship, it is a simple step to understand the scope. We communicate well and are very honest and open about ourselves. We do not judge or look down on any aspects of each other. With this we are free to grow and learn. If you put a fish in a small bowl it will be a small fish. If you put a fish in the lake it will grow large. People are like that. If you confine a person with judgement and prejudice how can they grow? Why would they grow with someone who constrains them?

In this relationship we have both done and experienced many things that we have not before. Neither of us has been able to talk this openly and honestly before in our lives. The nakedness of our hearts and minds is wonderful. We explores each other emotionally, physically and sexually. The only boundaries we have are our respect for each other and our acceptance of who we are.

To answer specific comments, many people, especially women, have difficulty with the concept of anal sex. I hear many objections about pain, cleanliness and fear. I admit, the first time a woman suggested the idea to me I was worried about the cleanliness of it and the pain. I do not want to hurt people. But she had already had anal sex in the past and assured me it was pleasurable for both the woman and the man. As I like to do, I immediately read up on the topic and did my homework. What I realized is that the core aspect of anal sex is emotional, not physical. There are many aspects that excite people; the newness, the naughtiness, the submission, the kinkiness, the list goes on and on. One woman I had wanted anal sex because she loved me and did not want to withhold any part of herself from me, but she was scared. I knew from past experience that if the woman is too nervous it will be a bad experience for her and made any second attempt much more difficult. I took the time to get her relaxed and more importantly accept the idea that I could make it good for her. Once she accepted that, she was able to take me anally. She enjoyed her experience and would ask for it periodically. She never got over her initial fear of penetration. Each time I would have to get her to relax again. Once she relaxed she really loved it. Later I learned we could skip the fear and go right to the pleasure if I took her anally without letting her know first. I would lubricate my cock with special anal oil and take her while she is asleep. That was our favorite. Other times I would wait until she is having an orgasm and then penetrate her anally. This would cause her to have a second orgasm immediately.

To be balanced, I have had women to tried anal sex and never really liked it. There was not any component to it that interested them. Not even the idea of submitting completely to their lovers desire. I also had a woman who liked to penetrate me anally first, then I would do her.

What I am saying is accept your partner. Be open to anything and talk about it. Nothing is weird if you love your partner and want to be with them.

Many people have asked questions about the D/s aspect of our relationship. Some want to try, but do not want to broach the topic with their partner. They are afraid their partner will react badly. I understand. For many years I felt the same way. Not only about D/s but about anything that my partner might think is distasteful. It took me a long time to realize that I did not have a good self image. I was afraid of doing or saying anything that might scare my partner away.

I still have a bad self image. But I have learned the hard way that you have to trust people to love you for who you are.

It does not matter how I see myself. As long as I am honest and open about who I am it is up to the other person to love me or not.

You cannot make a person love you. But, if someone truly loves you, you cannot make them stop loving you.

Yes, you can hurt them. Yes, you can drive them away. Forever if you try hard enough.

But you cannot kill the love they have for you.

For me, this was very hard to accept. How could someone love a person like me; damaged, aging and unattractive.

My kitten (Sarah) accepts me for who I am and she loves me regardless.

What else do I need to know?

What else do I need to believe or feel?

The answer is: Nothing. She loves me. I trust her when she says she loves me. I accept that. This single event has helped me more than years or therapy and anti-depressants. This simple concept freed me.

Once I was able to accept the fact that she loves me as I am, I felt free to express myself, my needs, my thoughts, my feelings without fear. I have a desire to dominate her. She accepts that. She enjoys that. She wants that. This is a new type of dominance for me. In the past I have dominated women in small ways by forcing them to do things they do not want to. The most common was to hold the woman’s head while she sucked my cock and force her to take my cum in her mouth. The feeling was powerful and exciting. Now with my kitten (Sarah) I am experiencing a new type of dominance. One based not on power or force, but on acceptance. She willingly does what I ask. She accepts my needs. I do not have to force anything. I let her know I want her to suck my cock. She does it. Seeing her look up at me and smile while sucking my cock is amazing. It is so much better than the feeling of forcing my cum into a woman’s mouth. I accept her willingness to serve me and it is wonderful.

She sates my desire to dominate. She makes me happy. I love her so much. Because of my love I am completely accepting of her needs and desires. I could dominate her the way have dominated other women in the past with force. But that is not the right way for us. It does not feel right. I dominate her in the ways that she needs to be dominated. I do not force her to do anything. If it is something new, we will talk about it before hand so she can let me know if she is willing to try it. She has been willing to try most everything. Now when I use force, it is not me forcing her to do something she does not like. It is my using force to make her feel safe. The force and power I use in our D/s relationship is blanket I use to wrap around her, control her and let her know she is very much loved by me.

For us, the D/s relationship works well. It is part of who we are. It is what we need to feel love and peace and happiness. Is D/s for everyone? Absolutely not. Every person is a unique individual. Everyone has their own needs. Even for couples that do have good D/s relationships, theirs are very different from ours. Some couples enjoy discipline and punishment. Some enjoy spanking, pain and recovery. Each couple is different. The world is a big place. There are so many people and so many ways to express your love and commitment to someone. Do not limit yourself or your partner. Accept who you are. Accept who they are. Start talking about what interests you, about thinks you have heard and are curious about. Life is too short to let your inhibitions limit your relationships. I know I have been freed by my relationship with kitten. It is the best feeling I have ever had. It is the best relationship I have ever had. So learn to accept and open yourself to the love that is trying to find you. And once it does find you, try a little BDSM. You may like it. You may not. The journey with your partner, hand in hand, will be amazing.

翻看完我先生的 journal，感觉挺回应到 【聊聊如何战胜恐惧】這主題：

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. (Bible 1 John 4:18)

感謝安排了如此恰當的 結emoji。

「每次看你先生说的文字都觉得他很会抒发自己的感受」《===== 我猜，他就是太感情丰富，所以容易有忧郁症。 这类人特别有需要以爱连结一段关系。我这 Asperger，很难感觉爱之感，只有用意志和理性去从行动上彰显 爱。顺服 是可以用行动来表达的，所以我最自然的 爱的语言 就是“act of service.”

感慨你们之间可以如此公开的谈这些。不然你们也许做不到完全接受对方。想到这句话给你们：you complete each other or you match each other perfectly

QianShuiDe 发表于 2021-03-03 14:38

Yes, 用中文的一句：「天作之合」。

很感谢你花资源来阅读理解出 我们 经营的夫妻关系 有这么深层面的，而不只有性爱 。

我先生告诉我：性只是用来抒发 爱情 的其中一个渠道，但不是全部。

看完了，谢谢你的分享。结合最近在看的love on the spectrum我觉得你和你老公真的是很幸运遇到彼此

很喜欢这句：

If you confine a person with judgement and prejudice how can they grow? Why would they grow with someone who constrains them?

trudily 发表于 2021-03-03 14:31

你喜欢的那句，以我个人经营两段婚姻的经验来做个 data point: 

这策略挺管用的。这策略使我成功打开前夫和我先生 的心扉。

前夫, 要take me long time, 婚后差不多 10年才开始让他放心与我一起看一部性爱 R-rate 电影。了解到他被电影中女优的淫叫声 turn-on. 我之後刻意模仿，但只落得 東施效顰 的負面果效。

先生，结婚头几个月就已经可以擁抱著我一起看电影 "The Story of O" , "Secretary" ，他最喜欢的 pornstar AV。我两边看边分享指出电影情节中那些合自己性味的。边看边感觉到他的手在我身上下漫游。电影最终要分几个回合来看完。因为当中他已经发现我很湿润。他干脆盖上电脑来完成他现实中亲手开的片头。

The beginning of this journey starts with depression. I had had several major set backs in my life. Job loss, economic collapse, moving to a smaller house and so on. All of these, combined with my cyclic depression patterns, launched me into the worst depression of my life. My depression lasted over a year and was effecting all aspects of my life: My marriage, family, job, weight & health.

I decided to try therapy again. I have not had good experiences with therapy in the past. As a teen my parents forced me to go to therapy. I did not want to go so the sessions were tense and unproductive. In my late 20s, after a failed engagement, I went back into therapy. Some progress was made but it ended abruptly when my therapist tried to get me in bed with her. Not good experiences to say the least.