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「{Do you,You might...} want to {do this, talk to so and so about......}?」

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The messages my ex needs me to communicate to someone are not anything about "Happy Birthday and here is 10K 红包 as your gift." It is about touchy topic 例如：生活上他无能灵活性地安照邻居的停车方法来与他们共用一个停车场。物业保险，管理费应该买甚么类型的，能不能抽烟，养宠物，那一根树不许斩等等 具有 争议性的主题。这种主题，只要缺乏一点social skill，措词缺乏一点人情味的，缺乏看人眉头眼额能力的 如我这种Aspie 来沟通，只会得罪人多，称呼人少，而且结果一定不如他愿而成。人家达不到他想要的，他就挑剔我的沟通不行，要求我按照他的neuro-typical style再去跟人家讲，我不是他，就是这么也无能以他的neuro-typical style。 he just can't accept my incapability of neuro-typical type of communication, keep push me to be the person who he needs. 邻居讲中文和草根阶层移民来的英文能力，他不能用中文沟通又认为邻居英文能力不够用来明白他讲的。 

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The tasks to do within my content are not anything about sex non any entertainment activity we do it together. It is about 生活上必须要做的工作，例如，洗碗，煮饭，给小娃洗澡，换尿片，喂娃吃饭。我不想做不是其工种，而是我当时的资源能力有限，我没有足够的能力同时兼顾一个人赚钱养起两、三个独立开支的家庭（我父母，我前夫和我们的子女，我前夫的妈妈，曾经一度支撑住我刚移民来的大哥一家），还要兼顾要以他的运行系统来做家务。例如：厨房，我早已经判给他这住家宅男管理，是他的天地。可是水盆裏总是满满的肮脏碗碟，隔夜到今天的也有。他每次需要我来煮饭，我连洗菜的水盆空间也没有得用。我有要求如果要我来煮饭就不要等到煮饭时间来清洗碗碟。他还认为不是问题，我小题大作，只需要给他5分钟，他就可以洗好碗碟，空出洗手盆给我洗菜用。实际上他前后花上了起码半个小时才可以轮到我来煮饭。后来我衡量利弊效率，我干脆不用他，自己找个够大的汤碗，一小撮菜，一小撮菜的来洗。肮脏碗碟照样让它留在水盆裏。我还没有描述我如何work with厨房counter位都是满满的等着给处理和清理的厨具呢。拜托！我这Aspie 是有洁癖，有O.C.D.要克服的。我难以与他共用一个管理系统来有效率的完成他需要我做的household task。

认识我的人，见过我管理的生活空间系统的人都看出我是对生活家具管理有讲究的人。他们都说我生活在我前夫的家裏这么多年没有完全崩毁已經算好了。举例：看我管理自己的内裤，袜子，就如图书馆的index cards，安款式，资料，用场，功能性，使用的频率来分门别类，如何折叠，如何放置也有规则。可是我前夫管理的系统是，在他管理的家裏全都是物品满地，满柜面，台面。久而久之，我在他的家裏只有四个地方活动：A、我吃饭的座位。B、我洗澡清洁自己用的地方 C、我睡的床 D、我换鞋子和WFH坐的一进门旁边的木板凳。

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回复 63楼的帖子

对于 1，我没能看懂你的中文。我猜你的意思是他没有灵活性？但如果他没有灵活性，你为啥认为他是 neurotypical？

续上、、、、

我在某方面的记忆力比较强。我前夫自己全权管理的家居，连他自己也找不到东西，常常问我在哪裏，我有印象上次我见到那样东西放在哪裏，都能指出一个准确的位置给他找回失去的东西。

但是另外一方面因为他管理的系统与我的是两个极端，如果我不记得把用过的东西放回我拿起来的位置，几分钟后，我很难找回那样东西回来。会消失在「万」物裏。后来避免这种情况在发生，我为自己整理一个公事用的手提包，裏面从给娃的纸尿片，到我工作用的手提电脑，到剪指甲 都有它的home base 在那手提包裏。

有一次，前夫需要租旅行车一家出去附近的公园住上几天。预备功夫是他全权负责管理的范围。一到营地，前夫才发现他没有预备垃圾袋，没有带备纸尿片，没有带baby wipes，放水垫子 等等换尿片用的工具。我的公事包裏都齐备了够24小时用的数量。连垃圾袋都有。这可以buy us some time for him drive our regular car back home and get what is missing in the trip. 

有一年，他非要带着三个娃，其中一位是有与生俱来严重脑瘫的，坐几个小时飞机后，在开车两小时去探亲，他母亲。我看情况，凭他的能力，必须我同去帮他。结果飞机上经济位，分开坐，只有我一个人有能力独立照顾好严重脑瘫的9岁大小的小人儿。她就是个大娃，照顾她像三个月的婴儿。我全程飞机抱着她，我连喝水也不能放松警惕。她把我的水倒湿了我满裤子。又是我的公事包起作用，我放了一条左右重叠设计的长裙子，方便我只用一只手，不用去洗手间也有私隐的把裤子换成长裙。整个过程，我可以寸步不离对娃的安全照顾。

回复 63楼的帖子

对于 1，我没能看懂你的中文。我猜你的意思是他没有灵活性？但如果他没有灵活性，你为啥认为他是 neurotypical？

tidewater 发表于 2021-01-02 19:11

包括他自己，沒有任何認識他的 neurotypical 人懷疑他是Autism。

不排除他有其他心理障礙，不代表他就有 Autism。在還沒有搞清楚他把他再從neurotypical 細分出來的時候，我只有用neurotypical來形容他比較適合。

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楼主我觉得你特！别！好！特别self aware。

不了解的初期有一点片面的认识或者误解都属正常。比如我最开始的第一印象是你写文字的风格比较独特，比较正式，感觉有点old school. 然后写私人的事情也写的比较详尽，但是又非常matter of factly - 感觉很少见。

回复 36楼Ethangirl的帖子

我以前会觉得另一半同理心不够，经常暴力沟通，后来我自己看了非暴力沟通后，觉得有帮助，因为我能清楚的表达我想要什么，他也就清楚的知道给我什么了。而且说实话我以为自己是沟通高手，看完后发现我经常暴力沟通，尤其是对老公，哈哈哈

xinchina 发表于 2021-01-02 01:07

我也去学习学习

楼主我觉得你特！别！好！特别self aware。

不了解的初期有一点片面的认识或者误解都属正常。比如我最开始的第一印象是你写文字的风格比较独特，比较正式，感觉有点old school. 然后写私人的事情也写的比较详尽，但是又非常matter of factly - 感觉很少见。

otokorashii_onna 发表于 2021-01-02 22:16

不知从人生甚么时候开始，我发现自己在human behavior 或 思维各方面都consistently属于outlier。自己也装不了合群的style。我现任先生偶然笑着告诉我是在 the most outer one on the six standard deviations. 有几次我哭着对他说：「I am a defected one.」他每次都很慈祥，觉得我很可爱的捧着我脸蛋看着我说：「I still love you. I love you the way you are...」总会让我知道 my weirdness doesn''t bother him. 

"Are you yelling?" Asperger''s, NLD, and Tone

[url]https://blogs.psychcentral.com/a[/url] ... li_medium=popular17

疑似有这文章裏形容的阿斯伯格症的家父常被母亲那边娘家人说他脾气不好。我有一个没有科学证据的 顾虑：自己会不会「遗传了」家父的发脾气style？

我工作后，认知了自己的缺陷，所以，我会先对同事朋友备个案，跟他们说 如果他们见到我发脾气，有生气的表现，要知道我不是在生他们的气，或生任何人的气，我是对我自己工作成绩结果不满而已或对件坏事不满而已。Don''t take it personal. So far, 20年来，出奇地每一位我有这么告诉他们的人， 都give me feedback 一致性认同 和 赞我脾气好，EQ高，善良温柔。

其实我觉得现实生活中，大家也都是 “见人说人话，见鬼说鬼话”，并不是都说真话大实话。

我觉得在现实世界里， being outliers 不是问题。detect 对方的 intention / motivation，以及在需要的时候恰到好处地隐藏自己真实想法，才是 neuro-typical 的处世哲学我个人觉得。

当然，灌水嘛，那就不用嫌事儿大！！

我这样分析自己，既然我没有能力分辨「见」的是「人」还是「鬼」，还是说当时尽自己认知的准确内容为上策。我既没有足够的资源去学习分辨，又衡量过，这些技巧对我而言不重要。

补充：我的记忆虽然在某方面比较好，但不代表所有记忆都完全准确无误。

回复 57楼MeekSarah的帖子

背景：

我不知 情为何物。我是一位 阿斯伯格老婆 加上 小女人。

我从小，在我不知 情为何物 之前，就知道自己想要的是甚么样的婚姻生活。所以我不用 感情 或者 爱情 去择偶。从来没有人教我爱情是甚么，怎么界定。头一位向我解析的是圣经裏爱的真谛：「爱是恒久忍耐，又有恩慈，爱是不嫉妒，不自夸，不张狂，不做害羞的事，不求自己的益处，不喜欢不义，只喜欢真理」。我就不断照此方向磨练自己去爱人。

我嫁我前夫之前，我有跟他谈到了学多婚姻生活上的细节。我要求他给我的婚姻生活包括：养我父母过世，经济担保我哥哥们一家新移民。我要做个相夫教子女，如萨拉顺服阿伯拉罕 那般的顺服丈夫，称他为主 的全职家庭主妇。前夫都一一认为是好的，也以我提出的婚姻生活为目标。只是我当时还不懂审核结婚对象的他是否有能力达到我要的。结果，反而我给了他我自己的理性婚姻生活。我能夠付出来这些，因为我能坚持那 爱的真谛。

我对我 1. 前度未婚夫，2. 我前夫 和 3.我现任先生 都一样的提出我对婚姻生活的要求，一事同人，不偏心，我也不要求他们在性事上只与我一个。只要求他们持守安全性行为，对我坦白什麼時候和谁有性事，有法律保障我一生婚姻生活，经济上不离弃我就行。

我没有机会跟我前度未婚夫讲这些婚姻生活要求，他就已经向我退婚。

我前夫听到就认为我不爱他。

我问我现任先生为何他平心接受到我这样而且照样接我过门（结为夫妻）。

His analysis of why it works for him as having an Asperger me as his submissive wife:

--- to be continue 待續 ----

回复 75楼MeekSarah的帖子

－－－續上 －－－

“how my Sir husband makes our Neurotypical-Aspie relationship works and keep each other healthy?”

My neurotypical husband （現任先生）wrote the following:

Being in any long term relationship is hard work. Many married couples who are both are neurotypical complain of not receiving what they need from their partner. It may be lack of romance, lack of understanding, lack of respect for their partner’s feelings. Having a partner with Aspergers does have challenges but they are not that different than other relationships.

-------- to be continued -----

－－－續上 －－－ (Our Romantic aspects )

In our relationship, I am romantic and she is not. I do romantic things and she does not understand that they are romantic. In previous relationships when I try to discuss this with my partner, she would be upset and respond in a negative way. With my Aspergers partner, she accepts what I say without negative emotion. This makes it easier for us to discuss the situation and find ways to improve it. In our case I have found that, while she is not romantic, there are things I do that bring her great joy and excitement. So I focus my romantic actions in those areas. She loves to eat and be by my side, so I take her on business trips with me. This way she gets to stay near me and we have the opportunity to try new restaurants and new foods in whatever city my business takes me. It is a little different than the romance I normally enjoy, but seeing her enjoyment brings me great happiness.

We have also discussed the possibility of me taking on another partner to fulfill my romantic needs. She is comfortable with that as long as I am open from the start, keep her involved in the relationship and continue to care for her. As long as I do not leave her, she is not concern with me finding romance with someone else. That is part of the Aspergers. She has very specific criteria for her happiness. As long as I meet those, I have the freedom to do what ever I want.

------ to be continued --------

－－－續上 －－－ (Our Dominate-submissive aspects)

In relations with Aspergers partner, the neurotypical is usually the one who takes care of the Aspergers partner. In my relationship I am a dominant, so taking care of my partner is natural for me. But being dominant all the time and always being the one in control is exhausting. Having spoken with other dominant / submissive couples, I have heard other dominants complain about the same thing. Being a dominant is a little different than being a care giver though. I can order my submissive to leave me be, let me rest, give me a back rub or make me dinner. That helps me to unwind. With an Aspergers partner you are dominant but also the care giver. I do not know if you have the option to make a restful place for your self or order your partner to help you make a restful place. But it is something you can talk to your partner about. With my Aspergers partner, she want to ensure I stay and take care of her forever, so she is willing to do many things for me to make sure I stay.

------- to be continued ----------

－－－續上 －－－ (Aspergers aspects )

That is another aspect of having a Aspergers partner that I like. She has a very specific set of criteria she needs from me. As long as I meet those criteria she is happy. For her, this is love. She needs to have a man who will provide for her, give her a place to live, sleep and eat. She needs a man who will promise to stay forever and care for her. From my experience with relationships I have had with other women, I find my Aspergers is very easy for me to love, because it is very easy to understand what will make her happy. There is no guessing. There are no emotional game. We hardly ever fight because what each of us wants from the other is honest and simple which makes it easy to fulfill.

There is a downside too. She has said that if she find a man who is willing to marry her without dating and give her $5M USD so she can use it to care for her family, she will leave me and take the man with the money. I think she would really do this if the opportunity came up. Does that mean she does not love me? I do not think so. Does that mean she would chose me over the man with the money, probably not. It is a downside of Aspergers that the logical criteria for the relationship will overpower any emotions the person has underneath. I am not worried though. The chances of her meeting such a man are very low.

----------- that is it for now -----------